Antics, Fifty Bucks, and how Jeff Ragsdale Gave Me a Story to Share

            I grew up in the 80s which meant all of life’s big problems could be solved either in 30-60 minute increments or by some elaborate big scheme. The first time I watched Animal House, it wasn’t the parties, the boobies (though very nice), or even the toga party that stuck with me. It was the death mobile tearing through the streets and wreaking havoc on the squares from Faber College. As I wrote in the now famous proposal blog, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Ramming Speeeeedddd!!!!!!

            As I grew older, I found myself surrounded but not only very good and intelligent people but also quite a few characters that grew up with similar sensibilities. Back when the Big Guy was with us, we’d all gather in Savannah and the best part would come in the evenings. We’d settle on the deck facing the marsh. Many beers met their demise on that humid spot as we’d entertain ourselves by telling stories and smoke cigars.

            The Big Guy would chortle and laugh in convulsions as we’d share some of our infamous antics like the time Rags convinced the fraternity to hire strippers for rush (Sensitivity training, anyone?) Or the time Nick drank 13 shots called an oatmeal cookie which resulted in him throwing up so badly that Nick’s left eye looked like Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3. Or the time everyone showed up to the annual Quantrek camping trip at Edisto to find Gid and I about passed out with pink stained lips. We added a pint of 152 to a Strawberry Shortcake Pre-Mixed cocktail. It may sound like a bad beer commercial but good friends equals to some pretty fun times. Looking at Facebook today reminded of one of the greatest moments we ever pulled off. The Infamous Bad Tux Formal Night of the Parrothead Cruise of 2000.

No one can hear you wretch in space from too many Oatmeal Cookie shots

            It’s a pretty funny story. We had all moved up to the Atlanta area after college and gotten involved in the Atlanta Parrothead Club. Our buddy, Brent, had started an annual Parrothead cruise through the Caribbean. Of course it would be rude not to go and we did.

            This particular cruise line hosted a series of formal nights during the course for the week. Over 200 parrotheads would be intermingled with the variety of characters that ordinarily spend a week cruising the high seas. After a viewing of Dumb and Dumber, I suggested to Gid and Rags how we should show up in horrible tuxes for this event. The idea snowballed as you can see.  

            I always knew this would be good for a few laughs. What I underestimated was just how much of a surprise this would be to the rest of the Costa Victoria Cruising Community. See, some people take the night of the Captain’s Dinner as a that just right time to break out the furs and jewels usually reserved for the safe. I looked at as an excuse to wear my black Chuck Taylor high tops with my spats. Nowadays when I describe this evening, I usually use the comparison of it being one of those Three Stooges shorts when they go to a High Society Ball.

            The Captain’s Dinner starts off with a champagne/martini reception in one of the classier ballrooms. Enter Eight Parrotheads not afraid to shop on Ebay for formal wear. Three fourths of the guest couldn’t stop laughing and even kept having us pose with them for pictures. Some folks even thought we were paid entertainers to keep the party going. One-fourth was not as amused. Enter Ragsdale.

Jeff Ragsdale: Family Man, Statesman, Threat to fish everywhere

            This one lady had a serious stick up her ass about our entrance. Rags overhead her complaining about our lack of decorum and disrespect for the sanctity of Captain’s Night to her poor, overtaxed husband. He seemed like a decent Joe whose only crime was making the mistake of saying “I do” to Greta the Wonder Bitch.

            Rags love to poke the bear especially when he has had a few. Being a cruise taken in the honor of Jimmy Buffett, all of our blood alcohol levels would have been classified as jet fuel. Rags saw his moment and took it.

            In his best Mr. Mooney voice, Rags struts up to the lady in question, “Pardon me, ma’am. Mind if I join you?” I could almost hear Rags saying, ”Yesssss” to Lucille Ball.

            Greta the Wonder Bitch responds in a manner that is only egging on Rags.

“It’s a free country.”  Greta snapped. I almost groaned fro Greta. She was setting herself up for the inevitable torment that Rags was about bring along with some noise and some funk.

            Now, keep in mind how this is a cocktail party and reception. In addition to all those cute waitresses wandering around with trays of champagne and martinis, the cruise line also provided the traditional finger food and snacks expected at any cocktail party. About every two or three table would sit small bowls of Spanish peanuts. Rags saw that Greta was stationed perfectly.

            Rag’s moment to strike and he played it like an old vaudevillian comic with perfect timing. “Pardon me, ma’am, could I trouble you for a nut?” Again with the Mr. Mooney voice.

At that moment, Rags selected a Spanish peanut while attempting to peel the red skin off it then proceeded to eat it like corn on the cob,

            It was quite the sights and even Greta’s husband began to snicker. Greta was not amused. She grabbed her husband by the arm. And growled, “Well, I never.. Come on Charles.”

            Exit Greta from our lives forever except through the passing of this tale. May her bitchiness live on..

            The rest of the evening was a blur of laughs, double takes, and shots bought by amused fellow cruisers. At one point, our picture was taken with the Captain. To this day, I can’t tell if his confusion was due to the language/cultural barrier, our outfits, or a combination of both. All I clearly can remember is waking up the next morning with a serious case of the brown bag flu.

            I love my friends and all of our wacky adventures. Even though I could hear the Big Guy saying it was a rip off to buy photos from the cruise line, I sprang the five or ten bucks for it. It still hangs in my room to this day. Once while teaching Sociology, I even used it to explain how social mores work.

Kings of the World 2000

            A few years ago, we lost the gent in the Captain’s Hat. Monty was not only a character but a classy guy. He is missed. The world seems s a little smaller without his huge and exciting personality.  Monty brought style and class to everything he did. Once he made a Bloody Mary for me and it took him thirty minutes because he used over thirty ingredients.

            Fortunately, I have been lucky to keep in touch with the  rest of those guys. A few of us even made a pact to wear those tuxes at our rehearsal dinners. A waiter at the Atlanta Country Club bought Gid and I drinks for an entire because we had the balls to do so. .

            We have all settled down now but the tuxes are not mothballed yet. Every now and then, opportunity strikes. Gid wore his a few times to the Jimmy Buffett concerts. Rags dusts his off and uses his for his Sunday School Classes. Last spring, I took Kim to the High School Prom where I teach. The theme was Mardi gras so I felt festive enough to share the magic of the tacky tux. We had a blast. It’s nice to know that over ten years later this might be the best fifty bucks I have ever spent.

Who's Your Daddy?

            The first few years after Dad’s death, I used to get frustrated because I never dreamed about him. Obviously, I missed him and wanted a few more minutes even if it was in the dream realm. The worst part about losing Dad was sometimes something really funny would happen like the time Rags got us booted off the Today Show and I’d reach for my phone while laughing to call. Then it would hit me. Damn.

            I finally did dream about him in a dream that I’d rather not recant but it did change my life. The important part was while we stood in a back room of Sharp Memorial Church back in Young Harris, Dad chuckled at my frustration (like he was prone to do). He didn’t understand why I was so upset. I told him I had been looking for him and he wasn’t around.

            Dad made one his funny sounds and told me,” Son, look around. I am right in front of you just like I have always been.  All you have to do is just pay attention which you never do.” He laughed that big laugh that we all remember, hugged me and said, ” Now if you excuse, kind sir, I have to go find you sister and your mother.” He walked off but not away.

Hell Freezes Over Party also known as  My Grad Nite 1995
123 Cunningham

            Ever since then, I dream about him a lot. So much, in fact, it is normal that we hang out in my dreams and I don’t even remember he is gone until I wake up. My frustrations are gone about this too. I usually wake up and smile. I just hope he visits Mary and Mom too.

            As I began the first few paragraphs a little while ago, Roni came up to me and gave me a big hug. “Good morning, Step-Papa,” she said. “Happy First Father’s Day with your new family.” Awesome-sauce.

My little girl. I get to say that now. Awesome.

            Today is the first time in 13 years I have not dreaded this day. My new family has gone out of their way to make me feel special but they do that every day. I appreciate the fact that I now have a day but to be truthful, every day is Father’s Day for me. From scolding Roni for talking back to her mother to yesterday when I yelled at Jude during the yard sale because he couldn’t stay away from my box of action figures I had collected for Mary’s Geek Nativity Scene several years back. You take the good; you take the bad……

            Today is also Jude’s 8^th birthday so we have taken to calling this day, “Man’s Day.” Later we are grilling burgers by the pool and I plan to smoke a few cigars with a nice glass of Maker’s Mark. The only way life could get any better would be if Jimmy Buffett’s tour bus broke down in front of the house and he offered to play Jude’s Birthday Party because he smelled my amazing Cheeseburgers in Paradise and had to have one. But I digress.

"Sir, you rock."
"No, sir, you rock."

            My wish for you today is that you get to find some way to spend time with your father. Whether y’all have something special planned or you just sit around and laugh about that time when. One thing I have learned now that I am Dad is that I can guarantee he is thinking about you. That is what Dad’s do.

Yes, I Am a Pirate......

Rum? Why, yes,  a small glass would be lovely

Like many of the events in my life, I have fallen accidently into my latest part time job. Being a teacher, I often find the need to supplement my more than ample income. Previous endeavors include book store clerk, liquor store employee, pizza delivery, and now I am a pirate (200 years too late).

          It’s the easiest gig I have ever had. I show up to birthday parties, public events, day camps, and such to entertain for about an hour. I do face painting, story-telling, and even have learned how to make balloon swords. To add to my already witty repartee, I am learning a few coin tricks. The thing that has surprised is how much I am getting out of it. I had no idea how much fun I’d have playing pirate for little kids. The best part is that it’s fulfilling a life-long dream playing the part of the sea faring pirate.

          I’ve been thinking a lot about this and have come to realize that my new found pirate status is long overdue. It all goes back to my childhood. My mom made a memory box for a birthday present a few years back. One of my oldest toys were the pirate cake toppers from my 3^rd birthday. Dad and I watched the Disney version of Treasure Island multiple times as well as we read it together. One of my favorite memories with my grandparents was when they took me

He's a Pirate and he also shot first. Get over it...

to Walt Disney World back when the Pirates of the Caribbean were first opened in 1970s. Even one of my earliest heroes was Han Solo and he was a pirate only set in outer space.  I could write a whole series of blogs just on the Jimmy Buffett influences here.  Needless to say that “A Pirate Looks at 40” is a favorite and always makes me think of the old man. (His fave too)

          I’ve always fancied the idea of being a bit of the rogue. Jimmy Buffett sings, “I read dozens of books from heroes and crooks and I’ve learned much from both of their styles.”  The bad guy is always more interesting. Which character comes to mind first from Treasure Island? Is it Squire Trelawney or Long John Silver? C’mon, it’s Long John hands down.

          I think it’s because they get to do what we all secretly dream of which is to rebel against the society. Pirates are the original version of “Damn the Man!” They illustrate a freedom from laws and consequences unless they get caught by the Queen’s Navy and then….CRICKK!!!!!! It’s pure escapism flavored with a bit of high seas adventure. Besides what kid or adult never dreams about the joys of finding buried treasure? Every time I get my college loan bills, I have a very vivid desire in finding Billy Bone’s li’l treasure chest of gold.

Pirate Fest 08, Tybee

          And the clothes…..I have my own outfit that I wear to become Pineapple Rob and have to admit that I love wearing it. The footwear is a bit uncomfortable and the hat unwieldy, but the jacket makes me feel like a rock star. If it was fashionable, I‘d wear that jacket constantly, much to the delight of my very understanding girlfriend. The whole swashbuckler get-up makes me feel like coolest guy on the planet.

          Now, I get to pass on my secret life to the next generation.  Kim’s little boy, Jude is seven and at that perfect pirate-magic-age. The Pirates of the Caribbean movies were how we first bonded and it’s laid the ground for higher purposes like Indiana Jones and of course, Star Wars. I never realized how much fun I’d have sharing this interest with my sidekick as I’ve come to refer to Jude.

I so want some door knobs like these..

On our recent family vacation to St. Augustine, we took in the Pirate Museum.  Needless to say a good time was had by all but especially the boy and me. I honestly can’t say who was more thrilled to see all the pirate replicas, weapons, flags, and such. Kim and I had to keep a weather eye on the lad because Jude was running around the interactive exhibits like a squirrel on Red Bull.

I can’t blame him. Having a sense of 40-year old propriety was the only thing that kept me in place too. Well, that and the need to read every little display as instilled in me by my old man. (I could hear his voice saying, “Son, what good is it coming to a museum, if you don’t take the time to read what its teaching?”)

I restrained myself from saying this to Jude. As a result, Kim and I had a lot of great laughs and few awwws watching Jude and his sister, tear through the museum like they were sacking their own Spanish Galleon. On the sensible level, I realize that Jude probably didn’t really learn all that much about real pirates. On a more relatable level, I get it. It was one big over load of pirate stimulus and a large part of me wishes I could have seen it from his eyes and been transported back to that little boy that wanted to run away and sail around the seven seas looking for adventure.  Besides how well should one act when visiting a Pirate Museum? It kind of defeats the purpose…..