Like Step-Papa, Like Step-Daughter

Having Roni and Jude in my life has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve been granted. Jude and I hit it off immediately. We filled a need we both craved in our lives. He needed a guy and I wanted someone to pass down all the Richardson ways of life to. We made our way through a river of pirates, explosions, and a certain Sci Fi movie we both adore to seal what we share.

Roni was trickier and not as easily impressed. We had a rocky relationship which eventually led a huge fight in my dining room. All cards were laid out on a table and I knew that I would have to leave if we couldn’t find some sort of common ground. We did.

Since that rough night last summer, a relationship has been forged where I now have a step daughter and she has what we refer to around the house as “Step-papa.” (It works better if you could hear it said like Christopher Plummer in his Sound of Music outfit) We bump heads frequently which I am guessing is just a hint of what the impending teenage years have in store. Quite honestly, the kid drives me crazy yet as I say this there is a big spot in my heart where Roni has taken over. (Roni doesn’t simply walk into Mordor)

Oddly enough, I recognize it’s our similarities which cause the clashing rather than our differences. Roni has my sense of smart assness and loves to get those zingers in. She can be fearless in waiting for that right moment to pounce then burn the shit out of your ego. It’s a quality that I respect and look forward to her using on boyfriends rather than me.

She has to be right. Being right is a Richardson family characteristic imported over from the Neders and the Mother country. To steal an idea from Game of Thrones, combining a quality like that into both of those houses will create a dragon of their own. I find myself arguing with my step-daughter over bullet points like what she said over dinner last night to what was the Professor’s name on Gilligan’s Island. (It was Roy Hinckely, Jr. by the way). I am 43 and have found the ability to walk away from pointless arguments so please explain to me why I find myself arguing with an eleven year old girl.

Today, the most impacting similarity came to light. I realized we both have disappointing relationships with one of our parents. This is the one that hit me about an hour ago and prompted me to sit down on the couch and write.  Roni’s father and Kim’s ex-husband have been brought up before but never in a positive light.  Quite frankly, he made it easy for me to come in be a Dad to Roni and Jude because he ain’t doing it.  I watch Roni around her father and she is never herself. When Roni is around her father, she makes a point not to make waves. They guy makes big promises with no intentions of fulfilling them and it breaks my little girl’s heart. Yet she says nothing but hugs on her father when he eventually shows up. She’d call me out on that shit in a NY minute.

   Granted the Roni I know and love is sweet, beautiful and intelligent yet I am well aware she has no problem with arguing with me or showing me her darker side when it involves getting her way. She is being herself which is good. I appreciate this because it shows me how Roni is not afraid that I will leave her. It stinks when we are arguing about which Netflix show to watch but I know we are in it for the long haul like I was raised.

Which brings me to me. I am not being honest in my relationship with my mother. The past year has exposed all the cracks and breaks in a relationship that not been healthy for some time. The majority of my decisions over the past four months have somehow revolved in a way either reaching out or trying to make my mother happy. Her actions show she does not want to reach back.

We had a huge sit down before the wedding to try to resolve all the issues brought to a head after the big incident with her boyfriend. I do not like the boyfriend yet invited him to our wedding to show an olive branch. She came to the wedding but bailed out on the reception to be with him. She felt that she had “done her duty” She and the b/f have been invited to Jude’s birthday party, over to dinner several times, and Jude’s first play at the Savannah Children’s Theater. No show.

It kills me because the kids really love her and want to love her as their grandmother. It makes me angry because I can hear Mom sayin to me how people turned their back her after her Dad died. Yet she is now doing the same to us. And we want her in our lives.

Jude was very hurt because she had promised to go to his play. When Kim spoke to her, she was going to be out of town. Jude was crushed. He wanted more people to go see his play.

For the past year, I have been like Roni. For fear of running my mom away, I have sat and taken this constant rejection. I’ve tried to be careful so as not to run Jan away. Kim has pointed out that I have internalized this to be an issue of my creation yet she’s not seeing it. Kim is right. Whatever sin I have done to create this, I have tried to reach out and make up for it several times over. It comes down to the simple fact that my mother no longer wants to be my mom. I am tired of reaching out. I am tired of hurting myself. I am more tired of hurting the ones around me because I carry this huge weight on my shoulders.

I feel for Roni because as I sit and type, I realize just how much I miss my mom and wish that she was a part of our lives like when she used to be Mama Rich. Mama Rich is gone. If I had tried any of this crap and choose not to be around the family like she has done now,  Mama Rich would be on my ass in a second.   

One day I suspect Roni will be at the same crossroads that I appear to be standing at now. I wonder if she will feel the same amount of guilt I feel as I try to decide what I need to do. It scares me as I look in one direction where I try to do what is best for me and family while the other direction focuses on keeping the status quo but with more sleepless nights.

I hope she will know what I know. It feels horribly alone bit I am not. She has a brother that is pretty comparable to the awesomeness that I have in a little sister. Maybe she will have someone in her life like I have Kim. I hope so.

I know this. I will be there because whether I am blood or not, I am her Dad. Someone taught me a long time that Parenting is a lifelong occupation. Besides, we are a lot alike and I know just how this feels.

Time to Come Clean Especially With Myself

            Word of warning. The following will not be like one of my regular blogs. I am using this as a way to get something very personal and very painful off my chest. I promise to return in the next blog with some geeky or funny observation about my life filled with wedding plans and hysterically funny children.

            My mom and I have not spoken to each other since the afternoon of December 27. We had a huge falling out over what seems like my dislike of her boyfriend.  There is actually a bigger issue involved other my dislike of her boyfriend. I have watched my relationship wither with mom for the past few years. Stuart (the boyfriend) is part of the problem but not it entirely.

            For the past few years, I know that mom has struggled with getting older and understanding her role in life. Frankly, she has been thrown a lot of unfair curveballs. I get that and I understand. It’s just that she doesn’t seem to ever want to do anything with myself, adopted family from Young Harris College, Kim and the kids, or even my sister anymore. All she wants to do is to either stay at home or go out with Stuart.

            Back in December we had a huge falling out. The day after the Oyster Roast, everyone always goes out to eat lunch somewhere. We were over an hour late getting out to the Crystal Beer Parlor. I tried to get everyone going but the gang was moving slow.

            By the time, we arrived tempers were short and Stuart has decided they are leaving. Gid’s girlfriend used to be very close to Mom so she and I beg Mom to stay. Stuart pitched a huge fit in the parking lot and basically threatened to kick my “fat ass.”

            There is no love between myself and Stuart but I never had any intentions of venting my dislike in a public place like he did. The entire time Stuart was giving me an earful, I just stood there silent because I was afraid that if we did have it out, we’d accidently hurt my mom. So I just stood there and took it. When he was done, Stuart sped off in his mini-van and left my mom behind.

            I tried to talk to Mom later in the day. I tried to stay to the problems between us and keep Stuart out of it but she kept telling me how horrible I am to Stuart and so disrespectful. Stuart’s son doesn’t like her but at least he is respectful so why can’t Mary and I act like that? I tried to explain how Stuart says horrible stuff to us and she just lets it go. My mom responded with, “You’re a man and have to learn to fight your own battles.” I fired back with how I understood that but every time I tried to, she would call me down. “You’re being rude, Robby”, mom would say. I can’t win either way so why be around anymore?

            At this point, I realized how my mother held me responsible for everything bad that had happened and even for the fight Stuart tried to start.  I walked away from the porch of my grandparents’ home straight to Gideon’s car. We left a few minutes later and I have not spoken to my mother since.

I do not deny that I have added fuel to the fire of Stuart mine’s mutual hatred. My mouth is quick to lash back with sarcasm and witty but hurtful replies. I wish I could call it gift but I am good at channeling “assholery.”

            Kim kind of changed a lot of that for me when she came into the picture. First of all, her love took a lot of my anger away. Secondly, she pointed out when I was being the asshole and I was doing the wronging. Finally, she made me understand the only way to beat Stuart at his game was to be the bigger man. From about this time last year up until now, I have done my best to remain silent and just ignore his jibes and veiled insults.

Stuart began to up his game. He is very good at being passive aggressive and began to lash out about my friends and even to my friends. Stuart even told inappropriate jokes to Roni and Jude or used racial slurs. I was very proud of Roni when my eleven year-old told Stuart that it’s very wrong to tell kids jokes like this.

 It got to the point where many of my closest friends didn’t want to show up to anything Kim and I would host. Everyone’s first question became,” Will Stuart be there? instead of “What can I bring?” That is fucked up.

            I’ve been carrying this with my for now about 4 months and it’s been eating me alive. I am afraid that it’s begun to affect the way I look out at the world. I have this amazing life with a wonderful woman and two awesome kids yet I try to avoid looking at the side with my mom like a bad spot on an apple. I just eat around it.

            A few days after the last blog, I wrote my mother an invitation on my special stationary and told her they I wanted to her to come to the wedding. After a couple of days, I got a reply stating she’d love to come. I felt like a bit of headway had been made.

            I began to realize this silliness had gone on too long. Too many people were being affected because of my choice to cut out Mom. I decide it was time to man up and try to mend some fences.

            That was until I checked my mail yesterday. I recognized my mom’s handwriting and immediately thought she was thinking the same thing. “I bet she wants to have dinner at Sweet Potatoes and talk,” I thought. Man, was I off base.

            Her note was only four lines long but it simply stated because I did not invite Stuart and recognize they were partners then Mom would be unable to attend my wedding. She wished Kim and me the best then signed it with “love, Mom” Who the fuck signs something “love” after rejecting an invite to their child’s wedding?   

            So here I am. Thanks for letting me vent. I do feel better. But what do I do now? Where do I go? One minute I am full of sadness followed by long moments of rage. I honestly don’t know if I want mom at my wedding at this point or in my life. Everything that involves her, brings me nothing but hurt or disappointment or both, so why bother anymore?

            I am open to suggestions that do not involve heavy drinking or taking up smoking again.

Thanks.